WAITING PERIOD

yeah, as the title says, i'm in a waiting period. not the one in family law, where both parties, husband and wife wait for a declaration from the court to have their marriage dissolved. but mine, it's all about one party, which is me myself! i'm done with SAM, i'm done with studies (for now at least), and i have already received my result! so, the next thing to do is to wait for JPA letter of confirmation, about the place or specifically university that they're gonna send me abroad!

till then, i shall be gone...( and wish me luck! )

HAPPY AIDILIFITRI

I WOULD LIKE TO WISH ALL MUSLIMS,

HAPPY AIDILFITRI, MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN...

what a day 2...

yeah, today was quite interesting! surprisingly, i acted as if i haven't been told about what should i do for legal studies paper. guess what? i answered 2 questions for 10-mark essay which actually we are supposed to choose only 1 out of 5 questions. no wonder i was nervous about the time because it's not enough of course! and yet i have a 20-mark essay to be done, i spent so much time doing 1 more unecessary 10-mark essay question. honestly, i felt like crying when i realized that i had mistakenly read the instruction. but fortunately i could control myself and continue working on what should i be doing.

i cancelled the other 10-mark essay. and i know that was kinda wasting my time. with 6 short response questions, i felt really2 nervous. and my handwritting was a total mess! i don't know whether ms wendy could read but when i tried to do so, i can at least. luckily, i managed to complete answering all the questions, even though there were some blanks because i just can't understand the question! was it asking about function of passing a bill or function of the bill itself? sigh...

still, not enough with that. this fellow really annoyed me today and this person acted as if 'dia' so good and 'bajet bagus'! it's up to me la to do what in my vicinity or whatever that lies on my private area. don't simply say things that could hurt others if you just can't understand the other person better. 'dahla menyakitkan hati dulu2, hari ni kau buat lagi sakit hati aku. tolonglah!!!' i just can't stand it, and that's why i turned my speaker loud, so that i can relieve my anger.

hopefully tomorrow is a lucky, truely lucky day...

2nd day of trial...

i am sitting in the web, it's cold! but remembering that i didn't post anything yesterday, so that's why i am writing this post. even though yesterday was also quite a tiring day, going back by bus and yet standing, so damn unlucky! but it was kinda weird since i was smiling along the way back to casa. don't know why.

i got a call, for Jabatan Pendidikan Melaka. i wonder what's the purpose and the most important thing, how can they have my phone number? when i called my father, then i knew that they got it from my mother. but still asking myself, why eh? from what i have been acknowledged, they just wanna know where i am studying now, and surprisingly they also know that i'm gonna fly (insyaAllah) next year!

anyway, regarding yesterday's paper, ESL, it was quite fine, and no careless mistake was done, but still worried about the language though. i know dr santha is gonna kill me! at least i did it under a stress-free atmosphere, which means i did fine, i guess so.

right after this i have legal studies paper, and i am certain that i will reject any questions regarding family law, it's sickening! but at least i have studied even though by just taking a brief look at the notes. now, it's time to continue doing revision, before the exam starts!

what a day...

like what we study in economics, the business cycle will show a cyclical pattern. so does our lives. it would not be as happy as always. sometimes, we could be drowned in sadness, and disappointment, as what i have experienced today. i had never thought that it would turn out even worst! right after getting stressed with careless done for economics test, i went home late even though the exam ended at 10.10am and it was tiring! and i'm disappointed with someone for that even until now.

once i reached home, i straight away went to bed to refresh myself. but i just can't stand it, until i cried for 5 hours approximately! unconsciously, i woke up at almost 8pm! which means i broke fast late, and i was deadly hungry with having no 'sahur' this morning. i went down to 'kak su' for breaking fast. even worst the tension i got was not enough. i had waited for almost 1 hour there to have my meal served!

fortunately ESL will start at 11am tomorrow, which means tonight i can rest my mind from all those unnecessary tensions. even though my heart is broken now because of that someone, i should not forget to not breaking the hearts of my parents. i still have to excell in study, particularly in trial that i am having now. i hope tomorrow is a lucky and happy day...

i don't get it!

i write this post right after my first trial. not because i'm excited managed to answer all the questions, but i am disappointed. i just don't know how to express my feelings right now, sitting in the web seems opened for me to cry out loud. but what can i do is feeling hurt inside, holding my tears from coming out.

brain-drained!

okay, tomorrow is the first day for trial, with challenging subject, economics. now, i am working on my study plan, but it seems my brain has been drained by too much readings! my mind is always diverted to do something else, playing games particularly or watching some videos. it feels like overloaded with millions of words, and i am not certain whether i could vomit them tom0rrow.

of course i'm worried because i have not finished studying. 2 more chapters need to be covered before night comes because that's the only time for me to review all chapters at the same time. since tomorrow's test is gonna start at 7am, definitely i won't have much time to do last-minute checking of notes, with nerve-wrecking of entering the hall on the first day of trial, it really drives me crazy!

i wish i could do my very best, since this subject in trial is crucial for me to upgrade my internal marks. what can i do now is having a little rest before continuing to study, before my brain explodes and all words, facts, examples, definitions, scattered everywhere and got lost!

In Progress

yup, the study plan has started to function, quite effectively it seems. actually, i have just finished 2 chapters for legal studies by the time i write this post. tonight, i might be burning night candles, but only until 12 am is acceptable. if not, will feel sleepy tomorrow.

maybe i'll be finishing 2 more chapters and taking some times tomorrow during break to complete chapter 5. according to the study plan prepared, i should be studying mathematics and accounting studies tomorrow! and that's why i have to do so.

2 subjects that i am worried about; economics and mathematics. even though we have done trial or past year papers, it seems i have not studied, not anything at all but even i don't understand some workings which we should understand by now for mathematics particularly. and of course practices are not enough, but at this moment, we're expecting lecturers to give us some time to open the book and restudy, not get stuck with questions that are confusing our drained minds with coming trial next week and undone self-preparation.

i'm not saying that doing past year or trial papers is not helping, but the time of doing them is not suitable. i would prefer having them done 2 weeks before trial rather where we could have our own time to self-prepare on parts of the subject that you're not confident of if the questions ask. tomorrow is the last day meeting with lecturers before we struggle on our own starting next monday! i am indicating that i'm happy, not because i have confidence to seat for trial, but thinking of Hari Raya coming seems lessening the burden although for a moment...;D

study plan!

yeah, since the trial is coming, i have come up with a somewhat study plan, hopefully it will work and function...

_________________________

Wednesday, 9 Sept: Legal Studies (Chapter 1-3)

Thursday, 10 Sept: Legal Studies (Chapter 4-5)

Friday, 11 Sept: Mathematics + Accounting Studies

Saturday, 12 Sept: Economics (Chapter 1-5)

Sunday, 13 Sept: Economics (Chapter 6-8) + (Review)

Monday, 14 Sept: ESL

Tuesday, 15 Sept: Legal Studies (Review)

Wednesday, 16 Sept: Mathematics (Review) + Accounting Studies (Review)

_________________________

i know maybe it seems weird for me to post this study plan on this blog, but actually no that i wanna promote my cleverness or be egoistic, it's just that i want it to be an acknowledgment of my seriousness in making this plan working! i always check my blog, and with that i would be constantly reminded about what should i do in a few days after. of course it's important, it's trial guys! and it worth 10% for internal assessment! besides, this result of trial would be a benchmark of our stand, whether we're performing well or the other way around. therefore, wish me luck!

*suggestions are encouraged for better plan!:D

study time? nah..

i don't know what's on my mind because it seems i don't have any exams coming. guess what? it's trial next week and i'm still playing around, dota especially, nowadays. yeah, having a housemate who would play with you, i just can't say 'no' (LOL). i did plan to study today, and tom0rrow, but as i said before, holidays should not be distracted with studies, at all! i'm now somewhat relaxing my mind, before i struggle deadly for trials next weekend.

i know that the time is gonna be kinda late, but 1 of my friend says, under a circumstance that ordinary people would that think they are clumsy, but it's not actually. under that pressure, you're encouraged to study more, and it's quite efficient! rather than studying earlier taking hours to finish 1 page of thick notes. yeah, that is what i mean. studying earlier does not mean you're well-prepared earlier though.

about that unsolved problem, it has been almost a month! yeah, within this time i have enjoyed my life to the fullest, without getting bothered with insane people around! i regret about what have i done before, especially to my housemates. knowing the fact that we're housemates, i just can't ignore them at all! but that creep, befriending him seems furthering the gap between us. now i have a lot of time to spend with them. and i am grateful.

as time passes by, i know that i just can't keep my anger for a long time. even our beloved Prophet forgave his ummat, why not us? actually, i tried to confront him, but he is just still mad at me, and i don't know what else i should do. maybe one day his heart will be opened for forgiveness, who knows? 1 thing for sure, even though we have forgiven each other, the atmosphere won't be the same. i am now having my friends surrounding me, who don't differentiate me, and discriminate me either! they accept the way i am, and that's it! thank you guys!!^o^

unfortunate day

'Merdeka' day seems started quite badly. last night i went to sleep late because i was really frustrated and i can sense ultimate jealousy! i bet you don't wanna know since it's kinda weird and abnormal to be jealous of that matter. but for me, it really makes me feel so, okay. i'm now still mad at that fellow. what on earth he's planning to do? only 1 thing that pops out in my mind, and that perception that i am almost sure of is what makes me sick, and feel like stabbing someone.

last whole night, i turned my speakers loud, with hope that i can reduce my tense and stress. yet, it didn't work and i am still feeling to get a knife! i just don't like the way it goes, it seems weird. since my blog is quite public, i don't wanna waste my time telling the story that those people (if they were to read this) can predict themselves.

today, i wake up early, so that i can do some laundry. with hope that i can refresh myself from last night tension and stressful atmosphere. yet, i am still boarded with mixed feelings, mad, angry, jealous, all of them!

still, i don't know what went wrong, as if everything that i tried to work on, seem not getting the desired results. at the end, i still suffer. but 1 thing that i am certain of, is i'm gonna do what i intend to do now. fullstop.

should i leave...

i know this post seems emo. but feelings can't be kept for a long time, even though you're as strong as a 'badang'. some people say, just let it out. some would say, just hold your tears because this is just a glimpse of life.

first thing i want to say, i'm sorry. i don't know how others see me as a friend. but in my perception, i'm 1 of the bad friend in the world. you may say humans are not perfect, so do i. but my imperfection is worst. i know myself so much, and i don't want the real 'me' to hurt others in many ways.

i had a dark history back then. i know i won't be able to vanish it from my memory. even i know that i need to change for a valuable future, but it's just that myself is not capable of doing it. to prevent it from happening, i should leave. that's the only way...

*when the sun shines, you can't differentiate between glass and water...

no more econs presentation

yeah, today, it was my turn to do the presentation on whether greater participation helps in human and economic development in low-income countries, choosing India as the one and only example. briefly, greater participation in global economy does promote human and economic development, if simultaneously the country has a good governance. of course it's theoretically correct, but when the government fails to do so, there's no more point of participating greatly in international level.

it was not so smooth as if perfect all the time. i did make some mistakes like twisted tongue, forgotten of changing slides, but all these i hope won't cause me to get low marks. whatever happened, i think i had done my very best, and since this was the last internal assessment for economics, i presented confidently.

there's no use of presenting without any audiences, but when i saw Ms Malini at times, she seemed bored (i'm so sad). was i presenting so boring until her eyes looked like closed and she seemed fell asleep at some moments?. but i hope it was not my mistakes that cause her to feel so. i know my answers were lacking of points that i should mention, but i did my best to give statistics and information that no one among them know about.

after all, i gave my best shot, and i am not totally disappointed even though there were mistakes. still, i can't stop right here since there are lots of presentation coming when i move into university level. practices still need to be done, but sadly there are no more. yet, having them done with trial around the corner, i feel really relieved. now, it's time for me to study for trial which is coming less than 2 weeks from now. i'll try my best for it, since i'm gonna prove that i deserve to fly to Australia!!!...

should i, or should not?

until today, i have got 2 conditional offers; from University of Queensland, and another 1 is from Monash University. i'm glad that at least i have somethings to encourage myself to study harder and perform well in studies. but still they are subjected to conditions; 1 of them is good result in IELTS.

this condition really make me drowned in dilemma. i don't know whether i should repeat it or just let it be as it is. the reason why i am drowning in dilemma is because of the offer from UQ. it states that i have to submit another slip of IELTS result with overall band score of at 7 with at least score of 7 in writing and speaking. in other words, i have to resit for the test.

knowing that the cost is high, and realizing the fact that i am not high-confident about my capability of getting better results, i think i shouldn't. i notice that my english has improved even though it is as if 1-step forward. but seating for this kind of test really needs skills and more practices that i may be lacking of. that's why i am wondering if i were to retake the test, would i be able to get a better result?

at the first place, i was excited to apply for UQ. but since the requirements are quite high, knowing the fact that i am not deserved to get a place there due to my incapability, but at the same time getting another alternative which is Monash, i think i should not repeat the test.

but it's kinda sad to just leave the offer without trying to satisfy the requirements, of course it is as if showing my lack of courage and confidence to achieve better performance. thinking of all this, and now i am completely having no idea about what should i do...

I need help!

it has been 3 days of attending classes, and i keep falling asleep! i don't know why i feel so sleepy nowadays, even when i go to sleep early. my focus in class is distracted, off course. not that i want to sleep, but it's just that i'm always feeling sleepy, and having headache some more.

i can see it's becoming worst since i have got headache on the 3rd day. i slept early last night about 11 hoping that i can restore my energy, and regain freshness for today. but then, it turns out that going to bed at 11 as if it is still late. when i write this post, it is after i had some sleep, but for just 1 hour! i would love to sleep more this evening, but knowing that i have presentation coming, i just can't leave it undone.

now, i'm gonna finish my slides and start practicing. this is the last internal assessment in class for econimics, which means i have got to score at least 5% over 5% to improve my internal marks. this shows how bad i am, struggling at the end of a war when everyone has already enjoyed passion of winning. but still, no matter what i'll try my best for this the very last! i'm gonna makesure that i'll get that 5%! wish me luck!

time goes fast!

sigh..i wish i can extend this precious high-demanded holidays. but then, i'm a student who needs to study first for a guaranteed future. holidays should not be an excuse for me to enjoy. even studying also could be joyful!

regarding on my economics presentation, i just can't wait for it! of course saying this means i have done this brain-draining assignment. still, i was quite excited doing the research which obviously provides me important information about other countries, especially India! yeah, i have chosen this country as my 1 and only example for my question.

i know i am being somewhat hypocrite since i seem agreed totally that greater participation in global economy helps to promote human and economic development. ironically, poverty and mortality are still being high-rated major problems.

the problem here is that, presenting within 5 minutes is not enough to discuss and evaluate a country's economy or even their participation globally. i do have only 2 points from positive perspective, and that's it. i just can't add more points, even for negative aspects since those 2 points have already made me to spend until 7 minutes and 20 seconds! of course there are a lot of statistics and information to talk about, but logically, this field requires more research, and the information that i gained, they are just somehow only representing 0.0000000000001% of total information regarding the topic that i am doing. but at least i have tried my best to complete the task though, and fortunately i'm satisfied with it.

now, it's time for me to practice on my presentation. i even have prepared a script so that i can be well-prepared. yet i still have to figure out something on my time management. doing the last question does not mean you can have unlimited time for your presentation since your gorupmates have already done their jobs. so, seriously i need to exclude some information and statistics. maybe i am just too excited of doing it, until i unconsciously use too much. it's ok, i'll edit the script and i would be relieved at the end...

holiday!

yeah2, it has been 4 days of holiday, but none of my assignments have been done, or even started. i wonder why, since i'm definitely worried about them yet i don't have any courage to do those holiday-distracting assignments!

i'm quite grateful that at least i have done some research for economics presentation, but i just bookmarked those websites that are useful later on without even reading anything yet! i plan to do it when i get back to casa subang, since that's the only place convenient to study and do homework! home is like a home home, a place where u can have a nice rest without having your mind stressed by loads of assignments.

but there's 1 more thing that i still wonder about, and i don't know what will happen next. i'm just trying to live my life to the fullest, ignoring the fact that i have some sort of unsolved problems. i know that i can't stand any longer avoiding from those problems, but i am figuring out something to have them reached an end.

no matter what, i'll always open my heart to forgive, and always be humble to ask for forgiveness. i know that i did a lot of mistakes especially to my friends surrounding me. but saying sorry in this post is not an appropriate way, face-to-face is what i think the most suitable though.

but holiday is a holiday, i better get my mind enough rest before it becomes deserted due to lots of studies since trial is a month later! so, please wish me luck!:D

lumrah manusia...

bertuah kerana memiliki otak dan minda untuk berfikir dan menimba ilmu...
tapi, sampai satu tahap mereka salah mentafsir, dan fikir benda yang bukan2...

bertuah kerana memiliki mulut untuk berbahas dan bertukar pendapat...
tapi, sampai satu tahap menjadi senjata menjatuhkan orang dan menuduh bukan2...

pikirlah sendiri~

akhirnya...

malam ni, seakan aku dapat rasakan bahawa pintu hati aku sudah tertutup. tiada lagi janji2 yang akan aku harapkan, tiada lagi harapan yang akan buatkan aku terus dan terus terluka. aku sudah pun putuskan, dan inilah yang AKAN aku lakukan.

aku yakin ini yang terbaik untuk aku, dan dia. walaupun hanya terbaik untuk dia, tetap akan aku lakukan. bercakap tentang masa depan, aku sendiri tidak ada idea. bagaimana aku akan teruskan kehidupan? aku hanya percaya pada apa yang aku alami, dan rasai sekarang. tanpa sebarang petunjuk, aku akan mara.

atmosfera sudah tidak seperti dulu, dan aku tahu aku tidak akan dapat alaminya sekali lagi. oleh sebab itu, aku mahu putus asa, mahu lupakan semuanya, semua yang mampu mengingatkan kembali masa2 dulu. jujur aku sudah penat, dan aku sudah cukup berpuas hati dengan hidup aku sekarang. tiada apa yang boleh diperbaiki lagi, hanya teruskan kehidupan yang baru dengan nafas yang baru.

dengan itu, aku sudah memilih untuk teruskan kehidupan aku, sendirian. kepada kau, aku harap masing2 anggaplah yang kita tidak pernah kenal antara satu sama lain. dah bermacam-macam kita alami, kita nilailah sendiri. ini keputusan aku, jika kau bermasalah, cuba fikir yang ini adalah yang terbaik untuk kita.

sekian.

(danial ariff)

THIS I PROMISE YOU...

When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along..

And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you

I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...

Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you..
This I promise you..

Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all...

And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby

Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you

Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you...

NSYNC
THIS I PROMISE YOU

A nEw DaY hAs CoMe...

i didn't expect this to happen, instead i was hoping that it would be a real story of my life. yet, i should face the reality, that mounting hope which i have faith on is not going to be made into real.

of course i'm disappointed. agreeing that he wants to start a new chapter of life without remembering back the past, and asking for time to change himself and get ready for a new best friendship, but in the end he said that he just can't be as he was before.

the reason? 'just reflect back on what you have done'. excuse me? i thought you have said you want to start a new chapter of life without looking back at the past, and i have got your message saying that, but still you said that i'm at fault because of the past? are you fooling around with me?

i just can't accept the fact that he suddenly said that he can't fulfil and keep his promise, even though i have explained and reminded him of the risks, about my damn sadness if he broke his promise, but still he decided to do so. can't you imagine hurting my feelings?

at the first place, i decided to leave, but you're the one who said that you just need more time to change, and be ready for a new one. even i have said that i will be waiting for it. but then, it turns out that you're not able to befriend with me as before. if you just let me leave at the first place, i would be a lot happier now. what have you done?

it seems like i have to start a new life. real new life. i'm sorry if i have burdened you all this while, and this time i'll be leaving for real. i do appreciate what we have done and enjoyed during our friendship goes before. thanks for everything, FAREWELL...

*to the readers, i bet you will not know the reason why i have to leave. mainly it's about my perceptions and feelings, and that's why i have to do so...

THANK YOU...

last night was blissful, as if i have found a glimpse of heaven. the night where a mounting hope started to become a reality. i'll give you time, i'll give you chance to prove it.

it's true i have been disappointed many times because of hoping. but this time, i shall believe in your words. i wish by the time you're ready, we'll become best friends.

i'm sorry if you're burdened seeing me putting a heavy responsibility on you. it's just that i'm afraid of disappointment, and i hope this one will cheer me up and prove me that not all hope bring disastrous experience.

i'll be waiting. since you have promised to me that you're going to make it real, i would like to thank you for giving me a guaranteed hope.

but trust me, if you broke your words that you said last night, my world would come to an end, where there's no one whom i can trust anymore, making me drowned into helluva hatred towards hope.

oh my dear God, please listen to my instinct. i hope he's the second one, and i hope it's true...

NEW CHAPTER OF LIFE 2

this is a continuation of previous post. starting a new chapter of life is not easy, for we have to consider lots of things, including how we should organize our lives thereafter, what should we do, and who should we trust to be part of it. i'm not saying that we have to neglect others, but in a new chapter with a new life, new environment, sacrifice is crucial. and this is what i'm going to do...

NEW CHAPTER OF LIFE

why do i call it as a 'new chapter of life'? because, starting from this moment, i'll be living without getting to know any matters regarding someone who i appreciated throughout my life in college so called my best friend (in the eyes of mine). yet, it didn't go in the way that i preferred as he disappointed me and accused me of destroying his happiness. to some extent, i agree and i have asked for forgiveness from him, but he just won't forgive me forever. what i can say now is i have done my part, asking him desperately to forgive me, even it's not truly and totally my fault. still, if he thinks that i'm the 1 who should be blame for all that happened to him, for goodness sake i would rather stay away from his life forever! yeah, that's what i'm going to do. lastly, i hope nothing could bring and refresh back the memories i have had with him before, since i am really2 disappointed with his words. no matter what, this is the best for us, and for him to reflect on what he has done blaming on others without admitting his fault.

with that, i shall end my post. FAREWELL, my friend...

it's time

selepas apa yang telah berlaku baru-baru ini, aku sudah membuat keputusan.

mungkin ini yang terbaik untuk dia, dan terbaik untuk aku.

walaupun hanya terbaik untuk dia, aku tetap akan lakukan.

ya, aku sudah tekad.

bukan bermakna aku sudah berputus asa.

cuma aku pasti inilah sebaiknya.
__________

terima kasih, itu ucapan aku untuk dia.

buat seketika berkenalan dengan dia di Taylor's, aku rasakan diri aku hidup di kolej ni.

setiap hari yang aku lalui amat bermakna dengan kehadiran dia.

apa sahaja yang menghalang, aku tak peduli sebab ada dia.
__________

maafkan aku.

kerana harapan aku amat tinggi ditaruh pada kau.

kerana aku mengharapkan seseorang untuk menjadi kawan baik aku disini.

namun, hakikatnya aku ditakdirkan untuk keseorangan.

tidak mengapa, aku juga tidak ingin menyusahkan dia.

sekali lagi aku minta maaf.
__________

aku tidak pasti jika aku mampu bernafas seperti dulu.

atmosfera sudah tidak sama dengan kehilangan dia.

tapi, apakan daya.

dia sudah tidak mahu menerima aku semula, dan aku tidak boleh salahkan dia.

tidak mengapa sekiranya inilah balasan patut menimpa diri aku.
__________

sudah tiba masanya, untuk aku ucapkan selamat tinggal.

selamat tinggal pada kenangan dan harapan yang aku taruh.

kelihatan ia tidak akan menjadi realiti, dan mungkin ada hikmah disebaliknya.

walaubagaimanapun, aku akan sedia menerima dia semula, sekiranya dia sudah memaafkan aku dan sudi menerima aku semula.

kawan makan kawan?

aku yang salah.
aku yang mulakan, jadi semestinya aku yang salah.
betul2 aku menyesal, sampai aku tak tenang dan terus mengharapkan kemaafan.
aku gembira sebab kau suruh lupakan hal tu.
dan aku gembira sebab kita masih berkawan.

aku memang bersalah.
aku sudah pun mengaku berkali-kali, agar kau puas hati.
kau pun sudah menerima aku semula sebagai kawan.
dan aku gembira kerana menganggap diri aku sudah dimaafkan.

aku yang salah.
aku tahu aku tak sepatutnya buat sedemikian, tapi aku buat.
demi kau, aku bataskan tindakan aku, seperti yang kau suruh.
semuanya, supaya kau berasa puas.
dan supaya kau terima aku semula.
sebagai seorang kawan.

aku memang bersalah.
aku selalu menaruh harapan pada sesuatu yang kabur.
aku tak sedar kemarahan lampau kau tak akan lenyap.
masih kau berteman kebencian semasa kau bersama aku.
sedangkan kau senyap tanpa bangkitkan tentang hal dulu.
aku gembira kerana menganggap ia sudah selesai.

aku yang bersalah.
selepas berbulan-bulan kita berkawan, masih kau tidak mengenal aku.
pengorbanan aku selama ni masih tak cukup untuk buat kau lenyapkan kemarahan pada aku.
sedangkan aku sudah cuba sedaya upaya untuk penuhi permintaan kau.
aku bergadai masa, tenaga dan hubungan dengan 'housemates' sebab kau.
kerana aku yakin, kau lah yang boleh aku bergantung harap.

aku memang bersalah.
masih tak dapat hilangkan kemarahan kau.
kerana kesilapan aku masa dulu, kau masih membenci aku.
sedangkan aku lihat senyuman kau masa kau bersama aku selepas itu.
oleh sebab itu, aku andaikan yang kau sudah maafkan aku.

aku yang bersalah.
kesilapan aku buat kau panggil aku sebagai seorang 'kawan yang makan kawan'.
selepas ketika kita bersama tanpa masalah, kau bangitkan hal dulu.
kau cuma harap aku lupakan hal tu, tapi rupanya kau tak beritahu yang kau masih membenci aku.
sedangkan jelas kelihatan, kau sudah menerima aku.

aku memang bersalah.
aku yang bersalah.
jika aku memohon kemaafan 1000 kali sekalipun, aku tahu kau tak akan maafkan.
tapi aku nak kau fikirkan kembali, selama aku bersama kau, kau pastikah aku orang yang sedemikian?

*penulis sedang berkabung atas kehilangan seorang kawan yang sangat dia hargai. jika ternampak wajah kurang mesra menyapa kamu, penulis memohon maaf...

siapa aku?

kini aku sudah tahu diriku yang sebenar;

aku seseorang yang selalu menyusahkan kawan.

sesiapa yang kenal aku, mesti paling kurang sekali terluka kerana aku.

mahu aku senaraikan mereka-mereka yang mengalaminya?

memang ramai, sehingga membuatkan kamu semua berfikir dua, tiga kali untuk menjadi kawan aku.

mana tidaknya, orang yang selalu melukakan hati kawan, itulah aku.

aku mengakui semua yang berlaku, majoritinya disebabkan aku.

akulah punca semua masalah yang mereka hadapi semasa berkenalan dengan aku.

sampai satu tahap, aku merasakan diri aku membawa malang kepada mereka.

ya, aku yakin!

tapi, diri aku ini ingin sekali mempunyai kawan.

sayang sekali, selepas apa yang berlaku, pasti tiada lagi yang sudi.

tidak mengapa, aku tidak salahkan kamu semua, kerana aku yakin aku yang bermasalah.

apa kesilapan aku pada mereka? tidak terkira banyaknya.

ibarat nombor, ditulis selama mana pun tidak akan ada nombor yang terakhir.

masih, aku keliru dengan kepincangan dalam persahabatan aku dengan mereka.

betulkah semua itu berpunca daripada diri aku?

bukan kerana untuk membela diri, tapi aku sangsi.

apakah aku tidak layak untuk berkawan diatas bumi ini?

andai itulah realiti, aku sudi menyendiri.

ya, jika dengan cara itu kamu semua dan mereka tidak akan terluka, aku sanggup.

semoga kamu bahagia hidup tanpa kehadiran aku.

siapalah aku?

kenapa?

kenapa aku rasa diri aku tidak berharga?

sedangkan semua orang bahagia, kenapa aku tidak?

aku ingin rasa dihargai, tapi kenapa semua yang aku alami hanya dusta semata?

sampai bila aku harus dilayan sebegini rupa?

adakah tiada tempat untuk aku di dunia ini?

kadangkala aku rasa diri aku ibarat barang serbaguna, bila sudah tidak diperlukan, dicampak begitu sahaja

lebih teruk, aku kadangkala dilayan seperti sampah, hanya layak dipijak-pijak

kenapa aku berhadapan dengan semua ini?

apakah benar aku ditakdirkan untuk semua itu?

tolonglah, sekiranya benar kamu menghargai aku, harap fahami diri aku dan terima aku seadanya

jangan anggap diri aku sebagai barang gantian, hanya diperlukan pada masa tertentu

tapi akhirnya, terbiar tanpa sedikit belas kasihan

aku letih menaruh harapan, semuanya tidak menjadi kenyataan

sekiranya benar tidak ada seorang yang boleh aku harapkan, aku sudi berseorangan

andai kamu disakiti kerana kehadiran aku, begitulah yang aku akan lakukan

aku rela menderita, lebih bagus asalkan kamu bahagia

adakah kamu berasa puas?

farewell May 2009

yeah, since today is the last day for this month, let me summarize all the events or tragedies(if available) which had happened within this month. nothing big had happened except my mom's birthday. 

let see, my studies went quite well, and for this sem finals i think i gave the best shot! still, need to improve something on certain subjects, for example accounting and economics. luckily i think, i performed confidently for the finals, though there are some mistakes have been done again and again, but well, humans are not perfect. i've got no problem with other subject, just have to put more effort since i'm damned lazy.

okay, about the progressing progress, about me deciding to move into another unit, can't be made into real. so much i have done (went to the office on floor 1 for more than 4 times, filled up a request letter, stayed in casa wasting 4 days of my precious holidays, went to scholarship unit in college, wasting my time and tears as well), but at the end of the day , i still need to do some stupid things like seeking counselors (am i that problematic???). but well, after being brain-washed by jpa representatives, i decided not to move. this was what they have said, "don't get yourself bothered about this tiny matters, even if you really think this is a big 1. just stay and do your part as a scholar, pay attention on your study, since you're going to struggle for booking a place in Australia. don't care about people (in your unit specifically) since your main purpose of being here is to perform in your study". see? i did not edit anything that came out from their mouth okay, this is the real true say from them. so, i just need to live my life!

what else huh? oh ya, about my 'perjalanan untuk mendapatkan lesen memandu', tomorrow is gonna end this journey (i wish:D). during classes, i can drive, yeah i'm sure of it. but when it comes to a test, adui, so nervous la! hopefully, the tester is not gonna be really strict, and can cover me during the test if necessary (hehehe).

so, that's all for this post. let's welcome June 2009!:D

farewell casa!

yeah, today i'm leaving casa! but still not going home since i have to drop by at my aunt's house in bangi, because she's the 1 who's gonna send me back...huhu.

summarizing all events happened during last semester, overall they were quite challenging. and i'm now tired of thinking about college-related stuff, casa-related problem, so i wish i can rest during this break. i wanna relieve myself from those tension.

about the progressing process, i don't think i can make it. the name have been shortlisted, and my-dream unit is already full now! no more empty bed. sigh, but still i'm gonna try to negotiate with some of the people moving into that unit. but sadly, there's only 1 person who i can negotiate with, and i don't think he wants to change unit with me. no matter what, i have to put some effort. i'm tired of living in this single room and being 'single' all the time.

therefore, wish me luck!:D

i'm in pain...

i still can remember the time when she teaches me accounting. i still can remember she's the 1 who makes me to love accounting at that moment. the way she teaches, even though with just chatting, still benefited me a lot for this subject. after a moment, i start to have feelings towards her.

but now the time has passed. she no longer teaches me accounting, neither chats together. and right now, something has really made me shocked! she has already been together with someone. i did confess to her about my feelings, but she rejected. i accept that, and i won't stop loving her. still, after knowing that she has someone right now, it's painful! i don't what else to say, and to do. all that i can do is seeing her happy, and being hurt inside. it's okay, if it would make her smile...

exam week (day 4)

for the first time after accounting test, i can smile. all this while, accounting tests made me like to vomit, and sick! but this time, fortunately i can answer the questions confidently. still, after leaving the MPH, i realized that i did some mistakes which should not be done. however, i'm quite satisfied since i have answered all the questions, and at least i tried all of them. hopefully pn anizah won't cry while marking my paper...:D

exam week (day 3)

yeah, today was legal studies test. i was quite confident when i flipped through the question bookletfor the first time. but once i progressed until the 3rd question if i'm not mistaken, i started to remain doing nothing, since i don't know how to answer the question. seriously, i didn't expect questions about terrorism would come out, but then sometimes you're unlucky. it did come out! i was expecting for aboriginal people's question, since it did come out for past years consecutively. it really shocked me deadly! so, i just left those blanks without anything to write, even if i try, for sure it's gonna be false! still, i managed to do the essays well. but i think i will lose few marks since i did mention about legal principles in my introdution, but i didn't give any of them as my points! i hope ms wendy won't be too rigid marking the papers, and i'm sorry for leaving those blanks...:D

seriously, i have published this post when i realized that i have maths also today! so, i don't have much to say about it, since i can fortunately do it well. though some parts was left blanks, but still i'm quite confident about other answers. hopefully it's the true answer...:D

exam week (day 2)

sigh, how come they can expect us to write 4 essays within 2 hours with quite number of subjective and objective questions? today, it's time for economics to challenge our credibility. i wish i have extra time to complete giving enough points, instead of concluding without required number of points. still, i hope i can score for this subject, since i don't have any chances on ESL even to get 'B'. hopefully, tomorrow's tests are gonna be easy-to-answer tests...:D

exam week (day 1)

what the hell was i doing??? i screwed up my ESL test. yeah, for the first 20 minutes, i have not started writing anything, and my scribbling paper was totally blank! i don't know where should i look for points for the first essay, and unfortunately i ended up by giving only 3 points (4 points are required though). the first writing was a mess, and affected the second one. letter writing, i used the wrong address. not enough with that, my conclusion was unlike a desired conclusion! i kept repeating the same sentence for 2-3 times, and i can see 'i hope' was frequently repeated. sigh. for sure she's (dr. santha) gonna kill me since she had already given me final advisory opinion on Monday. adei, what to do?

let's just try the best for next upcoming tests!!!...:D

a somewhat blissful weekend!

yeah, it was a somewhat blissful weekend. not because i had experienced some memorable moments, but it was just about being kind of ultimate-hardworking people. i spent 2 days in study room at floor 1 (the best record so far...:D), and i can't imagine how was i forcing myself to study.

when it comes to study, i'm the world-number-1 (i guess) who refuse to do so, even harder when it is during weekend, where we are supposed to get enough rest (sleep in other words...:D), and release some tension from over-assigned homework and full schedule over the weekdays.

but, i have promised myself to score for this semester finals since i performed badly in past internal assessments. so, by hook or by crook, i have to make sure that every subject would be scored better and get a good reputation and achievement for overall performance in SAM.

that's all for now.

oh by the way, regarding the progressing process, i'm going to the office to ask about the approval tomorrow. hopefully, the result won't distract my focus on exams...

emergency!

i don't know what's wrong with me recently. i feel like my head is gonna explode, my stomach is gonna burst, and shockingly next week is my finals and i still have lots to read! last night was terrible, i can't even sleep tight as my stomach was helluva ached! so, today i don't have enough energy to study, even though i force myself to do so.

1 question which is popping out in my mind, is this gonna continue till next week and affect my performance in the exams? i hope not...

progressing process! part 2

yeah, as i have mentioned in previous post, i'm working to make it into real. right now, i'm waiting for approval since i have made the request. the result will be known by next week. hopefully it would be a success. my future ----, wait for me!!!...:D

progressing process!

since i have decided to do 'this', i am now working to make it into real. no matter what happens before doing 'this', i am now confirmed about what am i doing. i know what's the best for me, and what's the best for you guys. so, don't get bothered about 'this', you guys have already implied, and now it's time for me to take action. not because i'm hating, it's just about finding solution and im sure this is the one and only.

for some reasons, i have to do 'this'. don't argue anything, don't get stressed, and don't be annoyed. it's not about you guys only, but this is also about me. nothing to be bent out of shape, just do what you guys prefer without any disturbance. enjoy and have fun without someone like me.fullstop.

wishes for you, the one and only...

i'm sorry for i post this 5 days later after your 59th birthday, Mama. but still i manage to do something on the day itself, wishing you a merry happy birthday! besides, i wanna wish you a happy mother's day! may God bless you, dan semoga panjang umur...:)

do not reject null hypothesis

all this while, i was always hoping for something which is not going to happen. honestly, i'm sick of being cheated-like as if i don't have feelings. promises are made, but none of them are made into real. i have been experiencing the first event which hurts me a lot, and i don't want this second-time-to-be hurts me once again. therefore, i have decided to stop hoping, and just continue enduring my life with what i am having now without regrets.

opening entry

it has been quite a while, i noticed something has changed about myself. i'm not me anymore. i have lost in this battle, where we suppose to endure it successfully. i wish i have the strengths to stand, and i wish i have the energy to climb up the wall which separates me with the real 'me'. i wish i have a time machine; get back to the past and change everything possible to avoid mistakes from being done; to keep what i am supposed to have; and make everything satisfies everyone.

panorama

"those who don't respect should not be respected"(dr Adnan 2009).

thoughts...

"they say, no women no cry. but i say, no women make me cry, but my friends always make me cry..."

friends = those who can't accept the real 'me'...

fading dilemma

okay, about me ------ into another ----, it is decided that i'm going to do it. right now my feelings is neutral, means no hatred which makes me to leave, it's just that i want to change the atmosphere. maybe current atmosphere is not really suitable for me although i have lots of enjoyment with them before, and i have also enjoyed the atmosphere of my future ----, and fortunately it's convenient regardless of the cleanliness, but that ---- is quite clean though. so, with that, i decided to keep my decision, and let's see what will happen by next semester...

repeated mistakes...

okay, normally people would say that we should not repeat the same mistakes we made before. in my case, as if i was blind during the examination, and guess what? i was careless while answering short response test for legal studies. i was confidently answer the questions without checking back since i felt that that's the answer. but, it doesn't. i didn't realize how can i become confused between stages in federation and constitutional amendment.

unfortunately, it worth 4 marks, which according to what i was supposed to get, i would be getting 17 marks, which is an A. but some of my friends say that, this is a challenge from Him to test my patience and encourage me to continuously work and put efforts to achieve success. yeah, i guess he is right. therefore, i recover myself from being disappointed and down as i was on last thursday. i wish i can de better in future, and there's nothing we can do in gaining success other than struggling till the very end...

consideration

right now, i have a choice, to stay or leave. many possibilities which encourage me to leave, but many memories make me drowned into dilemma. i have asked some of my friend about this, and they say that it's possible to ---- ---- another ----. okay, since it's still early, and 'they'(another they) are going to leave casa, i should consider myself by second semester. i hope during this time, i'll be figuring out about this decision. i'm sorry but i have to. maybe there are good things likely to be occuring after i have done this. even you guys won't feel any regrets letting me go. therefore, it's better for me to LEAVE...

approaching infinity

okay, this post is about myself being emo once again. this time, i can't control it anymore since i have been letting myself hurt inside. as you can see on the title, it's reaching infinity, the limit of my anger, and sadness as well. up to you guys to define myself as what, but the most important is i don't hurt anybody else. satisfied?

blessing in disguise

yeah, i'm grateful that weekend is gonna be over! yet, as i have mentioned before, i would like to study for my tests in this coming week. guess what? i didn't study at all! even the homework assigned for the weekend haven't been completed. yeah, i did do something with those mind-stressing homework, but it seems like having true holiday without any work to do please me a lot.

but seriously, i'll have them completed by tomorr0w, it's not that hard actually; copying from friends' homework; and copying from the text book; it does sound easy. (hehehe)

perspective

i'm sorry if this post is a bit emotion-related. yeah, humans have feelings, it's just about the way they express them, whether in a good way. but this time, my emotion has been distracted by some ambiguous attitude, behavior, and thoughts of other people. i am totally messed up with this situation where i will tend to be sad, and depressed.

even though you might notice that i still can smile, but like i said before, it's different in the way humans express their feelings. for me, rather being a burden to friends, i suppose to give good impression that i'm ok, even though i'm hurt inside. you guys maybe say that i'm pretending and it hurts more, but if you want to know, i can't let my friends keep asking and demanding for the answers.

it hurts more if i tell you guys 1 by 1. let's put it this way, there's something that you don't know about me, and i believe these problems occur due to this matter. i need someone who is mentally and physically prepared to help me out, released and unleashed from sinking and drowning in the darkness. is there anyone willing to? (i guess no)

unsatisfaction

okay, i have no mood after accounting class, and it gets painful and disappointing when legal class has finished. today, 2 events have happened making me feel so down as if i have reached the end of my life. yeah, it's quite implying the truth, since i failed my accounting test, and performed badly for my legal ct presentation. having a day with double tears-dropping events is really hurt, but that's how life goes on and on. i'm not saying that i'm satisfied with that, but it's a reality that we have to accept, no time machine for us to get back in past. it's just that my heart still can't accept it for getting a matter done badly after struggling for better achievement, it's quite irritating. how can i survive tomorrow and consequent days???

final destination

i really had a great time, thank you guys...

but now, let me remain myself at my place...

whatever

okay, i'm jealous. so what???

reviewing post

yeah, it has been quite sometimes since my last post. since today is the end of March 2009, it would be better if i summarize all events which have happened during this period. i'll split it out into different parts. feel free to read through until the end of this post.

academic performance:

there's nothing to be proud of as my studies are concerned. yeah, it's not that i was being such a lazy asshole to do homework, assignments or whatever assigned by the lecturers. let's talk about accounting test, which was not well-performed by me. i'm not saying that i have given up on this subject, it's just that the progress is getting harder, and the lessons are turning me into ultimate confusion. maybe it's not going to take so much time having second suicide case at casa subang. (hello, i didn't mention or imply anything that i'll be that person ok =P). besides, legal studies and english studies also do not went in the best way, but i'm still breathing and walking on the right path, and has yet to fail in both subjects concerned earlier. what about maths? ok, since this is my favourite subject, i'm not going to badmouth about it, even though i was not performing so well for it, but i'm improving! last subject, of course it would be economics. i remember my presentation for this subject, and actually it turned out to be quite a failure. but, i was relieved since my marks for this media analysis are not so low (a blessing in disguise =P). owh, talking about presentation, i instantaneously refresh back about my esl mock presentation. at least, this one would make me feel better since i performed it very well, and i can feel how confident i was while standing in front of the audience, especially dr santha which is a straight-to-the-point lecturer, and fortunately there were no negative comments form her and the rest, but time management was not so good though. overall, i'm satisfied with it. =)

social performance:

i noticed somethings have changed about myself. i'm not going to mention it. but i kinda of feelling guilty and quite dissapointed about something since i have a feeling which can't or will not be able to become a reality. but if it is something which i'm able to feel, and experience, i'm very grateful and pleasured. sometimes, i have an instinct that this thought is a true-story assumption. but what can i say, maybe it will not go on that way. yet, i'll be always hoping for it to become reality, and i hope that the time will come fast [;)].

that's all for this post, we'll see what will be coming up after this, in April 2009...

my 'siblings'...

okay, as you can see above, this is a video of my little 'siblings' at home, my cute kittens!(=P). just wanna keep my blog updated, and just wanna fill up my leisure time posting this. in fact, actually this video illustrates about different kinds of attitude of my kittens. try to watch it, and you'll obviously notice that...(:D)

perjalanan mendapatkan lesen memandu...(bhg10)

ahad
15 mac 2009

kali ni, aku maju setapak dalam perjalanan aku untuk mendapatkan lesen. guess what? aku da lulus ujian pra! walaupun prestasi kurang menyerlah, tetap aku harapkan kemajuan pada masa akan datang. mungkin aku akan ambil ujian jpj semasa cuti bulan 6, the final one after striving hard to be a P-licensed competent driver. wish me luck!=P

ketandusan

aku lemas dalam ketandusan...

walau pelajar masih menjadi gelaran...

tetap tidak lekang dari pengabaian...

hatta bila aku ingin kekal sedemikian?

__________

bila kerajinan aku nak kembali?=P

presentation

yeah, holiday is almost finished, and i'm still pondering on how should i do my economics' presentation, investigative study's interview, and cpt for legal studies. thinking of homework while playing games is really making me feel guilty, since they are not completed yet. why is it hard to be hardworking during the holiday? for me, the spirit of studying is absent, and my soul seems like having an unpredictable dilemma, whether should i do the homework.

i hope it won't be too late for the 'hardworking spirit' to reappear before the sun shines in the morning on Monday.(=P)

kembali kepada koneksi

yeah, akhirnya aku mampu untuk online kembali, setelah membelanjakan hampir suku scholarship money aku.

memang agak banyak perbelanjaan tu, dari streamyx sampailah kepada komputer. ia jadi semakin berat since parents aku tak peruntukan 'pakej rangsangan ekonomi' untuk bil bulanan streamyx dan juga kelengkapan aku dirumah. reasons? sebab aku sahaja yang pakai dekat rumah aku. yelah, dah komputer aku.

kesimpulannya, hati aku ibarat bunga yang kembali mekar di pagi hari. rasa tak senang if tak online. bagi aku, internet ni ibarat nyawa kepentingannya.(=P)

analisa lensa...

tidak kisah aku merana seorang, aku rela pergi tanpa kembali pulang...

adakah itu yang kau mahu?

jawab aku...

kamu kenal siapa aku?

jujur, aku sendiri tidak mengenali diri aku...

kehendak dan kemahuan aku berbeza setiap masa...

kerenah aku kadangkala jauh dari yang biasa...

masih, aku tidak mengetahui apa sebenarnya yang ada pada diri aku...

dimensi ekspresi

emosi kurang stabil...

harap maaf sekiranya perilaku author mengjengkelkan kalian...

__________

benar, dia tak tipu...

__________

ah, pedulikan la...

bukan ada kena mengena dengan aku...

__________

kenapa?

ceritalah apa yang berlaku?

sekurang-kurangnya dapat ringankan beban tu...

__________

lantak dialah terbeban ke tak...

janji aku tak terlibat...

so, aku tak nak amik tau langsung...

__________

serius, kenapa ni?

jangan tahan, lepaskan...

kalau nak, nangis semahu-mahunya...

__________

takyahlah emo sangat...

semua orang ada masalah kot...

rileks sudah...

__________

takpe, seringan mana pun masalah tu...

aku tetap akan dengar...

__________

terima kasih, KAWAN...

rekod paling buruk!

siapa sangka...

gagal dalam ujian...

tanpa A, C dikumpul...

setakat ni rekod terburuk...

dan aku harap tak akan ada lagi keputusan seteruk tu...

apatah lagi lebih teruk...

tolonglah...

_______________

legal studies...

disebabkan kecuaian, aku gagal ujian tu...

*****

mathematical studies...

disebabkan kemalasan, pun aku gagal ujian tu...

*****

economics...

disebabkan kurang tumpuan, aku gagal ujian tu...

*****

accounting studies...

disebabkan kemalasan, aku gagal ujian tu...

*****

english as second language...

disebabkan kurang hormat, aku gagal ujian tu...

_______________

siapa sangka...

tanpa A, C dikumpul...

setakat ni rekod terburuk...

dan aku harap tak akan ada lagi keputusan seteruk tu...

apatah lagi lebih teruk...

tolonglah...

penyesalan atau kenyataan?

kadang2 aku rasa aku ni tak berguna...

betulke?

_______________

aku menyibuk masa orang tak perlukan aku...

aku buat tak tahu masa orang perlukan aku...

apa fungsi aku sebenarnya???

_______________

kadang2 aku rasa aku ni tak berguna...

betulke?

_______________

hidup perlu dihidupkan, tapi aku pemusnahnya...

kalau inginkan bahagia, entah bila aku akan jumpa...

apa maknanya?

_______________

agaknya memang betul...=(

bila orang lain adalah orang lain...

ingat aku ni tunggul???

sometimes, doubt is a fact...

just a short post for this time...

since i don't have much mood to type, n tell all of you about what had happened today...

yeah2, i guess you guys can predict what was happening...

especially, since today is the day i'm taking legal studies test...

what i can say is my mark for the test is gonna be low...

trust me...:(

beyond the horizone...

actually, this post is typed in order to release some tensions and relieve myself, besides occupying golden times with necessary work(as if i don't have any homework=P). this idea of posting such a boring and simple post is just appeared accidentally in my mind, while staying in my room. realizing that i didn't have posted any in this few days before, so i decided to have one so that my blog will be updated. ok, let's stop with this messy introduction and lengthy heading. let's go deeper in my post.


yeah2, as you all can see at the above, that is my legal short response test which we lawyer-in-the-making had last week. nothing special about this test, it's just the story of some law students getting full mark for the easy-so-called test. yeah, i admit it, but it's quite terrifying because, hey! it's legal studies ok!

just wanna clarify something, i'm not bothering myself taking picture of this excellent-answered paper for making you guys proud of me, but it's just that this thinking has popped into my head this night. a question which i'm probably difficult to answer(though i can answer the test well). "how marks will i be getting for the upcoming test?". now, it's kinda hard, and also deadly terrifying since we're gonna take the extended response test, which means essay-writing test, of legal studies!

ok, honestly i would say getting a high marks in the first test, it will definitely drive you crazy, and clumsy since the lecturer most probably are hoping the best of you for the next test. for some reasons, i have started doubting on my capability facing the test. even with slight mistakes, it would drag your marks as low as you guys can't imagine. yeah, this time is a bit challenging, since i'm a bad handwritter, and she, the lecturer said earlier during the class today, that it's all about impression. yeah, this is a subjective type of questions right? even if u give few points, complete with examples and required explaination, you'll get higher marks than the others who wrote over-loaded ideas and points, yet unsatisfying the marker due to bad handwritting. "what should i do?".

clearing the clouds...

sejak aku highlight rambut aku ni, memang banyak pendapat yang aku dengar. aku tak nak panjangkan cerita, and aku da buat satu keputusan.

sebelum tu, just nak bagitahu macam mana aku boleh buat keputusan macam tu.

__________

aku ada seorang kawan dekat Jordan, dia sambung study dekat situ.

aku dah mintak tolong pada dia untuk carikan jawapan untuk masalah aku ni.

and baru tadi dia bagitahu aku.

ni jawapannya...

__________

kalau guna bahan pewarna kalis air, memang wudhu' tak sah sebab air tak kena rambut...

kalau guna bahan pewarna serap air, memang wudhu' sah...

tapi, even warnakan rambut dan pewarna tu serap air, means rambut akan kena air, tetap dikatakan sebagai haram...

kenapa?

sebab, air yang kita gunakan untuk mengambil wudhu' tu diibaratkan seperti air yang dicuri...

(jawapan ni menurut seorang ustaz di Jordan)

__________

jadi, aku pun da buat keputusan untuk memotong rambut aku esok hari, pendek2, sependek yang mungkin, supaya wudhu' dan solat aku sah dan diterima oleh-Nya...

*terima kasih atas komen2 yang diberi, yang baik sehinggalah yang buruk. tapi, semua tu tak penting sebab apa yang penting adalah menjadi muslim sejati(insyaAllah)...

should man has something to say...

yeah, this problem really drains me into ultimate distraction. since i have highlighted my hair, everyone starts to open their mouths as if it's a world crisis. every single person has opinion to express, to argue, to agree on what have i done. i'm not specifically mentioning or talking about particular people, as if this community is just yourself. so far, i heard many comments, irritating till encouraging, but that's not what i wanna discuss here.

no matter what have u said to me, i always take it into consideration. but, commenting and insisting is not a same case. some of this people comment as if it's an obligatory to be heard, and followed. why are they still existing in our society, being a neighbour of others, but not accepting ones freedom to express themselves? it's even worst when it comes to their own close friends, they can just shut one eye. yet, still wanna make changes on others' action, which should not be condemned but accept.

besides, it's not guilty to express their own interests right? you know why? that's why learning legal studies is an advantage to defend yourself. this expressing is known as fundamental human rights, where everyone could live freely and conduct their normal life, doing stuffs that they want to. but the problem is, they're making fuss on this basic rights by saying that the majority of the society won't accept you with your new hair. what the heck? even the representatives of the people of losing party can still sit in the parliament, voice out their expressions, and why on earth this kinda people can not practise that?

it's not about majority or minority, where everyone should have the same interests and be stereotypical society.

is this action taken by me an unacceptable behaviour? i'm sorry to say but you're totally wrong. if you're thinking so, then why don't you make a law so that everyone can not highlight, or dye their hair? would your comments be satisfied? sure i guess, if that's what you want.

aku kena lagi!!!

baiklah, sememangnya payah if dapat sseorang lecturer yang always making fuss on something small. tapi, apa kan daya, cubaan...

_____________________

semasa kelas dr. santha, aku kedepan untuk melekatkan kertas mahjung untuk presentation. if nak lekatkan, mestilah kena gunakan pita selofan. so, kitorang pun diarahkan untuk menampal semua 6-6 kertas mahjung untuk presentation. tapi masalahnya, agak berjimat jugakla dr. santha ni, tapi aku rasa mungkin sebab dia ni tangkai jering(:D). korang tau apa yang dia bilang? "just use a 1 inch selophane tape, n cut it into 2 pieces, and just paste it at the top right and left". lihatlah, sifat yang kononnya nak save environment, ke nak save budget?(:D). and then, after a while, dia tanya aku something, "danial, what have you done to your hair???". aku pun jawablah, "i highlighted it". dan korang tau apa dia balas? memang serangan balas yang amat berbisa! sebab dia seems like infringing my right to live freely and conduct normal routine (according to social cohession). "it's terrible!", that's what she said. and i realise that some of my friends were laughing behind. it's ok, today is yours, but not tomorrow and consequent days!!!(grrr)

_____________________

kesimpulannya:


*just be yourself, ignore what others have to say about you. no one can decide on what is the best or the worst of your life.


*to dr. santha, i respect you as my lecturer, but when it comes to such infringement, and condemnation, i'm quite dissapointed having you as my mentor...

i wonder...

should i give up on something that is important for me???

is it okay?

i'm weak...

even the ants are stronger...

teruk!

macam tak pernah belajar additional mathematics masa sekolah menengah...

basic questions pun aku dah menggelabah...


*honestly, baru hari ini aku tahu apa itu domain sebenarnya...

hari ini...

hari ini seperti hari yang aku inginkan...

harap2 ia akan berterusan...

dilema menggoncang jiwa!

argh!!!

urgh!!!

argh!!!

*gelora jiwa aku yang cuba merajinkan diri, walaupun terikat erat oleh kemalasan yang semakin menguasai!

____________________

nak buat  homework ke tak nak?

kalau aku buat, memang 'cincai' jadinya...

or tak akan terdetik langsung untuk buat...

kalau aku tak buat, aku tak akan ada masa lagi lepas ni...

memandangkan aku akan balik pada hari ahad malam ke Casa...

padahal aku sudah merancang untuk siapkan pada malam tu! 

dengan perjalanan yang memenatkan, for sure aku akan exhausted sesudah sampai...

____________________

argh!!!

urgh!!!

argh!!!

*jiwa kembali meronta-ronta menagih kerajinan, "pulangkan!!!"...

p/s: tiada korban jiwa, atau kecederaan jiwa, hanya refleksi secara imaginasi tentang perihal author masa kini...:D

akhirnya!

yeah2, hari ni sudah hari ke berapa, aku pun dah tak sure. yang pasti, hari ni bagaikan mentari yang kembali bersinar walaupun sekadar dibalik awan yang mendung! guess what? 

bukan nak bangga, walaupun memang tak boleh dibanggakan, aku bagi tahu jelah. tapi bagi aku, memang membanggakan since kemalasan aku semakin pudar. 

untuk annotated bibliography, finally i'm working on it! tak tahu macam mana boleh terdetik di benak minda aku yang sangat malas untuk bekerja buat masa sekarang. 

walaupun belum complete totally and still under 'construction', setidak-tidaknya aku da mula untuk kerjakan otak aku semula. bak kata zahid, kena avoid procrastination! (sebelum ni aku procrastinate apa?=P) 

kesimpulannya, semoga aku masih punya masa sebelum bermulanya hari per'kolej'an. tak nak kena denda dengan siapa2!...:D

*akibat kebosanan yang menghimpit jiwa,  recent post agak tidak menentu...

thought

sometimes, dreams reflect the reality...

not for us to hope, but to catch...

sometimes reality makes us dream...

not for us to grab, but to share...

____________________

a sacrifice is sacred...

yet, it isn't meant to be proud of...

a sacrifice is also painful...

yet, it isn't meant to be regretted...

____________________

happiness is undefined...

for it sometimes would make other to suffer...

happiness is predictable...

for it sometimes could be indicated...

____________________

*from a dream, i was indicated to sacrifice for a happiness, though it hurts me...

*from a reality, i was able to share something to be proud of, though it hides my suffering...

"DO THESE REFLECT ME AS A BETTER PERSON???" 

 

 

it's painful to see...

i wish i can do something for their better future...

____________________

"what should we do?"

"how would we do?"

"when could we start?"

whatever questions appear in your minds, this is the main thing to be answered...

ARE YOU WILLING TO???

*in response to war crimes in Gaza...

perjalanan mendapatkan lesen memandu (bhg9)

28 januari 2009

rabu

baiklah, ni kali ke berapa aku drive pun aku da tak ingat, da banyak kali jugaklah. tapi, still can't be a competent driver yet. kali ni, aku drive mengikut laluan untuk test jpj, laluan A. agak ok pada mulanya, sampai satu tahap enjin kereta mati tengah2 jalan! dahla depan Jaya Jusco, tempat yang banyak kereta berbaris-baris. mesti diorang bengang, nak2 mereka2 yang berbaris dibelakang aku. haha, padan muka! anyway, aku da semakin yakin untuk ambil ujian jpj, and maybe aku akan ambil masa cuti bulan 3 nanti. harap2, boleh la pass. tapi, masih ada lagi benda yang aku perlu improve, especially bila nak balance minyak and clutch. untuk laluan bukit, parking, and tiga penjuru, aku da ok!!! jadi, wish me luck untuk sesi yang seterusnya...:D 

kebuntuan mencengkam jiwa!

orang kata, "hargailah apa yang kita miliki". 

tapi, bagaimana kita ingin mengetahui samada kita memilikinya atau tidak???

kemalasan menguasai aku!

baiklah, secara jujur, setelah bercuti selama 4 hari, aku masih belum sentuh homework yang perlu disiapkan...

-annotated bibliography(esl)

-cpt(legal)

-table of market structures(economics)

-journals(accounting)

serius, aku rasa sangat malas untuk siapkan! if bukak buku pun, belek2 aje, lepas tu tutup, and sambung ber-on9. haih2, boleh ke capai TER yang diingini kalau macam ni?

sekarang aku duduk kat rumah, sama macam aku ni seorang penganggur. tak yah risau pasal kerja, and schooling, or colleging.

sampai bila aku harus begini???

aku tak bersuara, tapi...

apa yang kamu semua akan buat untuk 'segar' dalam kelas?

_________________________

semasa kelas dr santha, aku rasa agak mengantuk, dan aku siap boleh terlelap lagi! takpe2, aku cuba tahan, besarkan mata yang da sedia besar. selepas seketika, aku terlelap lagi! haih2, tak boleh jadi ni, mesti buat something supaya aku tak mengantuk. ok2, aku ada benda ni, lagipun aku rasa takde masalah if aku buat masa kelas dia. aku pun guna la benda tu.

sampai satu masa, bila dia datang ke belakang(seat aku) dan tunjuk sample referrence, aku pun tengoklah, sambil guna benda tu. until one moment, dia tanya,"what are you eating? your mouth looks like you are chewing something". aku pun cakaplah, chewing gum. kau orang tau apa dia bilang? "it's not a good habit". huh? ye ke? lecturer lain takde pulak cakap macam tu! siap ada lagi yang encourage buat benda tu. yelah, kalau da tak tahan, aku buatlah. nanti if aku tidur dalam kelas, lagilah kena marah! apakah moralnya disini???

*jangan kunyah gam kunyah, sebab kena kunyah sentiasa sampailah kau orang buang
*makan gula-gula yang solid, atau pun yang macam fruitplus, kunyah and then swallow
*yang penting, pandai2 la kau orang cover...:D

aku bersuara, tapi...

sambungan dari post yang lalu. walaupun orang da biasa dengar suara aku yang membuktikan bahawa aku ini adalah lelaki, tetap orang2 ini degil.

_________________________

storynya pendek aje. aku ada kelas esl with dr santha, dan aku pun da hantar proposal untuk research aku. selepas beberapa detik, dia menyebut nama seseorang, kononnya dan dengan yakin, " zayanal!". aik! sejak bila aku ada 2 nama ni?(sebab dia pandang aku) dan kenapa bunyi nama ni macam aku pernah dengar? "ouwh, sorry2. danial", katanya. aku pun tak nak la panjang2kan cerita dengan mentor aku tu, even dia tak sepatutnya lupa nama aku. since aku adalah pembantu wakil kelas, tak kan senang2 boleh terlupa nama aku? takpe2, dimaafkan.

sebab apa dimaafkan?

event ni berlaku kat luar perkarangan Taylor's. kira2 kat depan Taylor's la. on the way melintasi jalan raya, aku dengar someone panggil nama aku. terkejut! siapa la yang teriak nama aku kuat2 dekat tempat ramai orang ni? aku pun toleh ke belakang, and aku pun nampak dia! laa, dr santha rupanya. that's all.(yang lain tak penting)

*kepada zayana, ia hanya kesilapan teknikal sahaja...
*kepada dyana, jangan salahkan ku jikalau kamu berasa terpanggil pada masa itu(dalam kelas)...:D

kalau aku tak bersuara...

kadang2 aku rasa pelik. entah macam mana boleh jadi macam ni. aku tak kisah, sebab benda ni tak selalu berlaku. takpe, ak bagi can. tapi, bila teringat balik, haih2! memang nak kena! rasa nak jerit aje, "what the hell???".
_________________________

selepas makan tengahari, selepas perut sudah diisi, aku dengan kawan2 pun balik ke kolej. alamak! tak photostate lagi nota esl! nak kena dengan doktor santha? taknak2. so, aku pun singgah la dekat kedai depan taylor's tu(tak ingat kedai apa:D). kawan2 aku tunggu kat depan, aku lak masuk dalam nak photostate. nampak ada pembantu kedai tu, aku pun tunggu la dekat kaunter. bagus2, dia busy, kerja berhemah. aku pun sabar menunggu. akhirnya sampai turn aku untuk photostate. aku da siap hulur nota kat dia, sambil suara dia yang amat merdu menyapa, "yes, can i help u, miss?".

kjhdcniushdcoiwjhcdkjnws!!!

entah kenapa suara aku lambat keluar beberapa saat, untuk menunjukan bahawa aku ini adalah seorang lelaki! tergamam, tak terkata. mak cik tu pulak, boleh tersengeh-sengeh. ek eh, melampau lak. takpe2, nasib baik dia betul2 pekerja yang berhemah, dia minta maaf. takpe, maafmu diterima, sampai kau habiskan photostate nota esl aku tu!!! grrr...

_________________________

itulah ceritanya. bukan apa, saja nak kongsi2 story. lagipun, kejadian sebenar yang berlaku kat aku ni patut dijadikan tauladan...

*jadi pelanggan yang sabar
*jadi pekerja yang berhemah
*jadi pekerja yang boleh bergurau(konon)
*jadi pelanggan yang lebih2 sabar
*yang penting, aku takkan potong rambut aku sampai pendek!!!:D

99th post!

yeah, this is the 99th post of my blog since my participation which started last year. i'm really kinda of feeling excited, maybe because i have relatively posted some of my thoughts, and perceptions on this blog.

but right now, it's my time to unravel 1 of the mistakes, a big 1 which i did during my life as a student in SBPI Selandar, specifically when i was a leader of my Malay debate club on that time. i remembered this once i have a seat in the bus early in the morning.

being the 1 and only guy in my school's Malay debate team, of course was pressuring me up, since i had to take so much responsibilities in ensuring the club to run and work smoothly. i was quite enjoyed being a debater, and i still wish that Taylor's has a Malay debate club. everything went smoothly until 1 moment, where we have to practice as usual since the participation was around the corner.

i was quite eager to win that match, yet something went wrong. i admit that it was my mistake, for being a bad leader. i realized that all of my fellow debaters were quite busy with their homework and assignments. yet, i forced them to practice, because we were targeting a high achievement for this competition. consequently, we had a quarrel and i was immature to say this," susahlah aku jadi ketua ni, membebankan!!!...".

it's up to all of you to evaluate me. everyone has his or her own opinion. honestly, i was crying after we dismissed. it was such a regretful moment i had as if it reflected the real part of myself.

yeah, maybe i'm not born to be a leader, yet i'm not going to give up, since i have a chance, still to appear on the eyes of the public, specifically my classmates, since i am an assistant of the class representative. i hope these few days would remind me lots of mistakes which i had done in my past, so that i'll become a new person as 21 January 2009 passes...:D

sToRy oF uS...

There were rumours that friendship do not last,
and many believed, including myself in my past,
As i dug deep into my mind i found a story of a friend and i,
memories; sweet and strong, solidify as i remember the isolated isle...

My first few steps made him the person i first met,
it was chemistry but annoyance was what we had,
and on a lonely season we got into a vicious fight,
that lasted long until the end of night...

his old man was the one who broke us apart,
without expecting that then our frenship took its start,
and from there onwards we were always together,
never apart as our connection grew stronger...

he was the person i would search for first,
whenever i was in desperate thirst,
not for my throat but for his calm and warm words,
tying my trust and his in sealed intertwined knots..

Around him the air seems light as my worries rest,
and in that atmosphere i felt extraordinary at its best,
with his grins, laughter and silly jokes filling my ears,
i was a fairy tale princess who knew no sad tears...

We shared everything from A to Z with each other,
building powerful and invincible trust for one another,
however, that was years ago and time had surely pass,
yet my mind ponder of his presence as if it is a total must...

And fate brought us, 2separate souls together again,
as our eyes met,tears fell alongside the meaningful rain,
so now i know that i had place my believe wrongly,
for FRIENDSHIPS do last for eternality...

*credit to "dNAvOicEs"