unfortunate day

'Merdeka' day seems started quite badly. last night i went to sleep late because i was really frustrated and i can sense ultimate jealousy! i bet you don't wanna know since it's kinda weird and abnormal to be jealous of that matter. but for me, it really makes me feel so, okay. i'm now still mad at that fellow. what on earth he's planning to do? only 1 thing that pops out in my mind, and that perception that i am almost sure of is what makes me sick, and feel like stabbing someone.

last whole night, i turned my speakers loud, with hope that i can reduce my tense and stress. yet, it didn't work and i am still feeling to get a knife! i just don't like the way it goes, it seems weird. since my blog is quite public, i don't wanna waste my time telling the story that those people (if they were to read this) can predict themselves.

today, i wake up early, so that i can do some laundry. with hope that i can refresh myself from last night tension and stressful atmosphere. yet, i am still boarded with mixed feelings, mad, angry, jealous, all of them!

still, i don't know what went wrong, as if everything that i tried to work on, seem not getting the desired results. at the end, i still suffer. but 1 thing that i am certain of, is i'm gonna do what i intend to do now. fullstop.

should i leave...

i know this post seems emo. but feelings can't be kept for a long time, even though you're as strong as a 'badang'. some people say, just let it out. some would say, just hold your tears because this is just a glimpse of life.

first thing i want to say, i'm sorry. i don't know how others see me as a friend. but in my perception, i'm 1 of the bad friend in the world. you may say humans are not perfect, so do i. but my imperfection is worst. i know myself so much, and i don't want the real 'me' to hurt others in many ways.

i had a dark history back then. i know i won't be able to vanish it from my memory. even i know that i need to change for a valuable future, but it's just that myself is not capable of doing it. to prevent it from happening, i should leave. that's the only way...

*when the sun shines, you can't differentiate between glass and water...

no more econs presentation

yeah, today, it was my turn to do the presentation on whether greater participation helps in human and economic development in low-income countries, choosing India as the one and only example. briefly, greater participation in global economy does promote human and economic development, if simultaneously the country has a good governance. of course it's theoretically correct, but when the government fails to do so, there's no more point of participating greatly in international level.

it was not so smooth as if perfect all the time. i did make some mistakes like twisted tongue, forgotten of changing slides, but all these i hope won't cause me to get low marks. whatever happened, i think i had done my very best, and since this was the last internal assessment for economics, i presented confidently.

there's no use of presenting without any audiences, but when i saw Ms Malini at times, she seemed bored (i'm so sad). was i presenting so boring until her eyes looked like closed and she seemed fell asleep at some moments?. but i hope it was not my mistakes that cause her to feel so. i know my answers were lacking of points that i should mention, but i did my best to give statistics and information that no one among them know about.

after all, i gave my best shot, and i am not totally disappointed even though there were mistakes. still, i can't stop right here since there are lots of presentation coming when i move into university level. practices still need to be done, but sadly there are no more. yet, having them done with trial around the corner, i feel really relieved. now, it's time for me to study for trial which is coming less than 2 weeks from now. i'll try my best for it, since i'm gonna prove that i deserve to fly to Australia!!!...

should i, or should not?

until today, i have got 2 conditional offers; from University of Queensland, and another 1 is from Monash University. i'm glad that at least i have somethings to encourage myself to study harder and perform well in studies. but still they are subjected to conditions; 1 of them is good result in IELTS.

this condition really make me drowned in dilemma. i don't know whether i should repeat it or just let it be as it is. the reason why i am drowning in dilemma is because of the offer from UQ. it states that i have to submit another slip of IELTS result with overall band score of at 7 with at least score of 7 in writing and speaking. in other words, i have to resit for the test.

knowing that the cost is high, and realizing the fact that i am not high-confident about my capability of getting better results, i think i shouldn't. i notice that my english has improved even though it is as if 1-step forward. but seating for this kind of test really needs skills and more practices that i may be lacking of. that's why i am wondering if i were to retake the test, would i be able to get a better result?

at the first place, i was excited to apply for UQ. but since the requirements are quite high, knowing the fact that i am not deserved to get a place there due to my incapability, but at the same time getting another alternative which is Monash, i think i should not repeat the test.

but it's kinda sad to just leave the offer without trying to satisfy the requirements, of course it is as if showing my lack of courage and confidence to achieve better performance. thinking of all this, and now i am completely having no idea about what should i do...

I need help!

it has been 3 days of attending classes, and i keep falling asleep! i don't know why i feel so sleepy nowadays, even when i go to sleep early. my focus in class is distracted, off course. not that i want to sleep, but it's just that i'm always feeling sleepy, and having headache some more.

i can see it's becoming worst since i have got headache on the 3rd day. i slept early last night about 11 hoping that i can restore my energy, and regain freshness for today. but then, it turns out that going to bed at 11 as if it is still late. when i write this post, it is after i had some sleep, but for just 1 hour! i would love to sleep more this evening, but knowing that i have presentation coming, i just can't leave it undone.

now, i'm gonna finish my slides and start practicing. this is the last internal assessment in class for econimics, which means i have got to score at least 5% over 5% to improve my internal marks. this shows how bad i am, struggling at the end of a war when everyone has already enjoyed passion of winning. but still, no matter what i'll try my best for this the very last! i'm gonna makesure that i'll get that 5%! wish me luck!

time goes fast!

sigh..i wish i can extend this precious high-demanded holidays. but then, i'm a student who needs to study first for a guaranteed future. holidays should not be an excuse for me to enjoy. even studying also could be joyful!

regarding on my economics presentation, i just can't wait for it! of course saying this means i have done this brain-draining assignment. still, i was quite excited doing the research which obviously provides me important information about other countries, especially India! yeah, i have chosen this country as my 1 and only example for my question.

i know i am being somewhat hypocrite since i seem agreed totally that greater participation in global economy helps to promote human and economic development. ironically, poverty and mortality are still being high-rated major problems.

the problem here is that, presenting within 5 minutes is not enough to discuss and evaluate a country's economy or even their participation globally. i do have only 2 points from positive perspective, and that's it. i just can't add more points, even for negative aspects since those 2 points have already made me to spend until 7 minutes and 20 seconds! of course there are a lot of statistics and information to talk about, but logically, this field requires more research, and the information that i gained, they are just somehow only representing 0.0000000000001% of total information regarding the topic that i am doing. but at least i have tried my best to complete the task though, and fortunately i'm satisfied with it.

now, it's time for me to practice on my presentation. i even have prepared a script so that i can be well-prepared. yet i still have to figure out something on my time management. doing the last question does not mean you can have unlimited time for your presentation since your gorupmates have already done their jobs. so, seriously i need to exclude some information and statistics. maybe i am just too excited of doing it, until i unconsciously use too much. it's ok, i'll edit the script and i would be relieved at the end...

holiday!

yeah2, it has been 4 days of holiday, but none of my assignments have been done, or even started. i wonder why, since i'm definitely worried about them yet i don't have any courage to do those holiday-distracting assignments!

i'm quite grateful that at least i have done some research for economics presentation, but i just bookmarked those websites that are useful later on without even reading anything yet! i plan to do it when i get back to casa subang, since that's the only place convenient to study and do homework! home is like a home home, a place where u can have a nice rest without having your mind stressed by loads of assignments.

but there's 1 more thing that i still wonder about, and i don't know what will happen next. i'm just trying to live my life to the fullest, ignoring the fact that i have some sort of unsolved problems. i know that i can't stand any longer avoiding from those problems, but i am figuring out something to have them reached an end.

no matter what, i'll always open my heart to forgive, and always be humble to ask for forgiveness. i know that i did a lot of mistakes especially to my friends surrounding me. but saying sorry in this post is not an appropriate way, face-to-face is what i think the most suitable though.

but holiday is a holiday, i better get my mind enough rest before it becomes deserted due to lots of studies since trial is a month later! so, please wish me luck!:D

lumrah manusia...

bertuah kerana memiliki otak dan minda untuk berfikir dan menimba ilmu...
tapi, sampai satu tahap mereka salah mentafsir, dan fikir benda yang bukan2...

bertuah kerana memiliki mulut untuk berbahas dan bertukar pendapat...
tapi, sampai satu tahap menjadi senjata menjatuhkan orang dan menuduh bukan2...

pikirlah sendiri~

akhirnya...

malam ni, seakan aku dapat rasakan bahawa pintu hati aku sudah tertutup. tiada lagi janji2 yang akan aku harapkan, tiada lagi harapan yang akan buatkan aku terus dan terus terluka. aku sudah pun putuskan, dan inilah yang AKAN aku lakukan.

aku yakin ini yang terbaik untuk aku, dan dia. walaupun hanya terbaik untuk dia, tetap akan aku lakukan. bercakap tentang masa depan, aku sendiri tidak ada idea. bagaimana aku akan teruskan kehidupan? aku hanya percaya pada apa yang aku alami, dan rasai sekarang. tanpa sebarang petunjuk, aku akan mara.

atmosfera sudah tidak seperti dulu, dan aku tahu aku tidak akan dapat alaminya sekali lagi. oleh sebab itu, aku mahu putus asa, mahu lupakan semuanya, semua yang mampu mengingatkan kembali masa2 dulu. jujur aku sudah penat, dan aku sudah cukup berpuas hati dengan hidup aku sekarang. tiada apa yang boleh diperbaiki lagi, hanya teruskan kehidupan yang baru dengan nafas yang baru.

dengan itu, aku sudah memilih untuk teruskan kehidupan aku, sendirian. kepada kau, aku harap masing2 anggaplah yang kita tidak pernah kenal antara satu sama lain. dah bermacam-macam kita alami, kita nilailah sendiri. ini keputusan aku, jika kau bermasalah, cuba fikir yang ini adalah yang terbaik untuk kita.

sekian.

(danial ariff)